July 31, 2014
I am 19 years old…I read such notes each and every time I get suicidal thoughts and consider taking my invisible life. I perceive that everyone at some phase in their life has these feelings, has these gut instincts to take their life.
My ex girlfriend is now dating my best friend. My close friends now think I am a loser. My parents hate each other but stay together because if they split, my mom gets half. I’m not doing so well in college and I try 100%. Nothing comes easy to me. NOTHING! I don’t have a car, I am not allowed to get a job. My parents use their ill gotten wealth as an avenue to sway me. I am not myself, I am a version of my parents who just had a seven year love plan for me , that they moulded from my childhood, speaking of which I barely had. Money doesn’t solve everything, I am not happy, I am alone.
But just the thought of leading my own life, having my own dreams and aspirations, and hopefully one day my own child… keeps me alive, keeps me from taking that leap that many souls have taken. I know I am not alone.
Jayeli I know you are with me.
I know you are very protective of me.
You keep me from deviant behaviours. Ha! I would have been a millionaire by now, selling crack.
You kept me man… You kept me safe.
Your words give me peace, peace to overcome my self-execution, peace to continue living.
You comfort me with your words of wisdom. I don’t know how you do it but you sure keep me thinking and pondering and reminiscing until I fall asleep, asleep to a dreadful reality.
Then I wake up and then you speak to me or you sing to me or you whatever…what I hear is so pleasant.
The people around me will always contaminate the pool of confidence you always dip me in, but you are patient, slow to anger, thinking of me first.
Jayeli, you are the genesis of my second soul.
A second me, a different me, a confident me, a strong me, a lively me, a selfless me. Jayeli show me your face so I can cherish you the more, reveal to me the glorious keeper you are.
Jayeli! Jayeli! Jayeli! Show me now! Let me see you! Where are you?! Let me see the beacon that shines in my darkest hours. I have faith that you will comeback to me, until then I am tired. I have lost you Elpida. Jayeli Elpida sing me a dirge so I may rest and wait for your return.